Hello. I’m Kirsten.

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If you’re reading this then it means you have an interest, however small, in what I’ve got to say – so firstly, thank you for being here!

I wanted to start this blog as a new way of exploring my thoughts, feelings, trials and tribulations.. To an outsider, I may look like a young woman who has the world at her feet and everything to live for, but it’s a constant struggle to believe that when you are a raving pessimist and a religious worrier with mental health issues and little-to-no self-esteem.

Through sharing my experiences, both trivial and significant, I’ll document the cloudy days aswell as the sunny ones, and hope to come out to clearer skies and a brighter view at the end of it. Please, appreciate my honesty as I leave no stone unturned and bare my soul to you.

It’s not all doom and gloom though; – I take pleasure in the same things every other sheila does: laughing babies, scented candles, strawberry laces, michael mcintyre, viral memes, boxset marathons, sexual innuendos, good pizza, practical jokes, fresh bedding, talking to my dog… you know the rest. 

I have a sense of humour (although juvenile), complete with a loud, obnoxious laugh to go with it, and crows feet from smiling that are the biggest wrinkles you’ll ever see on a 25 year old woman…

 It’s just… 

Thus far, I feel like I’ve lived my life with an over-imaginative, self-destructive mind that holds me prisoner and prevents me from reaching, – or even realising, my full potential… It likes to dangle the idea of happiness on a string and then snatch it away from me when I go to grab it. It likes to repeatedly recite reasons past, present and future of why I’m a worthless loser that won’t amount to anything. It has the power and ability to paralyse my entire body, both physically and mentally, leaving me helpless in a place where time stands still. 

I’m positive that I’m not the first person to feel like this, nor will I be the last, however it’s my biggest goal to break free from the “I can’t”s that have, up ’til now, dictated my mediocre life.
Being a nice person is all I know, and the rest I’m yet to figure out, but I’m hoping that by publishing my honest, naïve and, sometimes, senseless journey, I might just find more of the good stuff in myself, and the universe, on my way.

Come along for the ride, it would mean the world to me…

 

K xx

Actually

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It’s been a while since I last posted on here. Like most things, I pick up a new hobby, something I know I enjoy and feel good at, all with the intent of creating a new healthy habit that will become my ‘thing’… but the only thing I’ve created which continues to grow is a baby. I’ll admit, I’m quite proud of that one. Besides that, the only habit I’ve stuck to is picking up random interests then dropping them like loose turds shortly after. I wonder actually if my digestive system holds onto my food longer than I can hold a hobby? With my fluctuating IBS it’s impossible to say…

What’s important though is that despite the way time passes and you may feel like you’ve achieved nothing with it, life forces its lessons on you one way or another, and since my last post, I’ve learned a few…

1. Actually

I’m not actually a bad person, I’m just ill.

Some well-meaning therapist or psychologist once told me ‘bad people don’t spend time wondering if they are bad’. Hmm, I’m not sure I completely agree; I’m sure Peter Sutcliffe must have wondered if what he was doing was wrong. But probably not continuously, over and over and over again for every day of his life – somehow I think his conscience would’ve got the better of him if that were the case. No, although pathetic, my inner-critic – let’s call him Henry – is louder than anything else most days and I feel chronically guilty, weak and selfish. On a particularly bad week you can chuck in ‘worthless’. It’s a clever, competent and extremely persuasive voice that has an answer for everything – something that acts as a sort of built-in pessimism/cynicism feature to my personality. Nice, eh? I’m really selling myself so far. Ok let’s turn this sad ship around…

As damaging as this is, there did come a time where I was forced to put a stop to the circus going on in my head, to establish what the facts were, because just succumbing to the thoughts without ever evaluating them was definitely proving to be unfair on me and the people around me. Nobody likes a pity party, not one that goes on for years anyway.

Through professional help along with the emotional support and patience of close friends, my partner and parents, I managed to accept that I wasn’t actually lazy. Or at least, the reason I had always struggled to hold down a job or work full-time wasn’t because I was lazy. I was reminded of evidence that I’m actually very conscientious, with high standards and tall aspirations. I was advised that a lot of my erratic and disturbing behaviour as a teenager and young adult was before my brain was fully developed and a result of extreme trauma. ‘Oh come on, don’t be so self-indulgent. Accept responsibility’ Henry scoffs even now as I write this. But I have. I’ve done my time. I’ve punished myself enough. For anyone reading who relates to this, just know that there inevitably comes a time where you say ‘no more’. You will have to choose to fight but the fight is there, as it is in all humans, even if you don’t feel like it right now.

And then? Then came the acceptance that I was ill. That I wasn’t faking or exaggerating my pain, that what I felt and how I struggled to cope on a daily basis so consistently for most of my life was a symptom. It’s still a tough one to resign myself to because I so desperately want to feel ‘normal’ and I’m acutely aware that people who are on the outside look in with raised eyebrows and a silent admonishment at this seemingly normal but selfish girl and her poor family who have to put up with it. But ignorance is bliss; people don’t know what they don’t feel, that’s a resentment that’s neither fair nor worth its weight. The folks who feel it don’t just understand you, they are consequently more kind, open-minded and compassionate people.

And so after many, many sessions, despite relentless low self-esteem, I couldn’t ignore the proof of my character, the gut feeling that actually, I’m not bad, I’m just ill.

Why second best makes you a winner

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I remember being fiercely competitive from a very early age. In fact, annoyingly competitive. Sports day, spelling tests, music exams, even water fights… you name it, I was that cock-sure, brazen child who always had to be number one.

A large chunk of these memories come from the early days of playing out in the cul-de-sac outside my house. During the school holidays, I’d be consumed in games and adventures for hours on end every day, and to this moment, the nostalgia remains vivid; the pinky-purple colour the sky would be by the time I came in at night during summer, the smell of grass and earth on my clothes, the rush of capturing a ball before it rolled under a car that was passing by, the echoes of excited shouts and laughs up and down the road… it all sounds so idyllic, and it was. Although my obsession with winning was there from the beginning, they were simpler times when a game of ‘blocky 123’ had no real consequence on how I felt the next day.

Fast-forward 10 years and I was learning the hard way that neither winning nor losing defines a person. Over those pivotal years through childhood, teens and into adulthood, I went from being a first-place regular to sinking under the masses at senior school where the standards were higher and hard work (quite rightly) was rewarded over raw talent.

So, what happened when I reached this turning point? Well, it’s only looking back that you realise why things happen, and that’s the beauty of hindsight, but as an already sensitive child, I just thought I was getting shittier (for want of a better term). While these circumstances might be what spurs someone else to push themselves, my self-esteem plummeted and I grew weary, fast. Getting a C wasn’t ever anything but a knock to my, already delicate, confidence and it wasn’t just academically that I felt these strains; – having previously been ‘head girl’ with the admiration of my teachers and a group of friends both in and out of school that gave me a sense of self-assurance, I found myself doing anything I could to be popular. Torn between pleasing my teachers and my peers, I’d go to an extra-curricular club at lunchtime and ask my friends to wait to have lunch with me. Of course, they didn’t, and when they didn’t, I took it like a ton of bricks.

The reality of the situation was that I’d grown up with an unrealistic sense of how the world really works, and it wasn’t me that was getting worse, it was my my lack of experience that was coming back round to bite me. If you get too used to having things go your way then it’s normal that you feel blindsided on the first instance that they don’t, right? It does make sense.

Now, in the present day, we are perhaps the worst generation for comparison. It’s plastered all over social media that Emily completed a masters and Holly went travelling round the world for a year, oh and don’t forget that gorgeous couple who have their own house to go with their perfect relationship now. We’re forced to see the accomplishments of everyone around us but rarely the losses, and thus, the pressure we put on ourselves to meet the same unrealistic existence becomes evermore intense.

Here’s the silver lining though, and it’s summarised in just two words: – ‘personal best’.

Once you break that habit of measuring your own achievements by what someone else has done, you unleash the ability to grow at your own pace, without expectation or limitation, and at that point, any bumps in the road become just that – minor setbacks that you can appreciate as lessons rather than hate yourself for. So your friend did a marathon and raised a grand for charity, that’s great for him. You ran 5k when you hate running, have asthma and have simply never made time to do something like that before and that is just as great; – it’s important to separate the two. To be truly happy (and let’s be honest, less of an obnoxious twat), we must recognise that we are only in competition with ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

Mindfulness; what is it and does it work?

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I have to admit – when someone first mentioned to me the idea of ‘mindfulness’ being an all-healing, life-changing premise, I scoffed. Well… I wanted to scoff, however social etiquette reared its cowardly head and urged me to respond with a more acceptable ‘smile and nod’. Thank god. 

I remember trying extremely hard not to laugh and instantly deciding that this woman was a deluded hippie; – the type of person to take part in an obscure street protest about how women shouldn’t use feminine-hygiene products, the type to own an old, beaten-up Nokia 8210 in show of her intense repugnance towards technology, the type to go for a number two and not wipe her arse because it’s more ‘loving to the planet’. 

You get the idea.

Oh, to be young and morally shallow! Like I said, thank god for that ‘cowardly’ social etiquette.. Comes in pretty handy! It prevented this (perfectly nice) lady from seeing what an immature, narrow-minded, jumped-up little turd I was. 

Nearly 10 years on, I will happily declare that she was absolutely right. Only now becoming more well-known and practised, mindfulness is a refreshingly simple concept that exists as an answer to one of the worlds’ most complicated problems, – mental health.

Mindfulness is, by definition, “A mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique”.

Yesterday evening, just before dinner, I logged into my app, ‘7 Cups’. I have a subscription that gives me unlimited access to exercises, articles and audio-tapes that are all related to mindfulness and personal growth. Not only that, but if there’s a specific issue you want to overcome, for example, agoraphobia, you can tailor your own ‘growth path’ and it will offer daily activities that fixate on that subject.

I had a good day yesterday; my boyfriend returned home on Monday night after 10 days away in the US and I was lucky enough to spend the day with him. My heart has felt light and my mind, calm. With no particular requirement on this occasion, I opted for a generic audiotape entitled “Sunrise on the Beach”. 

I took myself into the next room, laid on the bed and closed my eyes. For 12 minutes, a softly-spoken lady conducted me through a beautiful scene. Accompanied by relaxing, uplifting music, she described every detail, from the colour of the changing sky to the sound of the waves splashing against the rocks. She encouraged me to take in all the senses, such as the feeling of the warm sand beneath me, the smell of the salty sea-air and the distant sound of seagulls calling overhead. 

Contrary to what you might be thinking, a good imagination is not a necessity for this to work. As long as you are focused and open-minded, you will feel the benefits. 

Mindfulness is all about being in the moment. If you think about it, how often do we actually appreciate a moment as it’s happening? We are always on the go… always thinking, always worrying about something. In my experience, I have found that, by taking just a little time out each day to let go and relax, I feel refreshed and cleansed afterwards… It’s hard to describe, but a good way to explain it is through this image:

Perhaps your head won’t always feel that busy, and perhaps you’ll feel reasonably at peace beforehand, but there is a difference to be felt for everyone.

If you think about it like this – subconsciously, we are all constantly filling a space in our heads. Influenced through the feelings and thoughts we encounter every second of each day, the markings we make on this space can be positive or negative, colourful or dull, abstract or lucid, loud or quiet. They may not produce a dark, frantic mess like the one you see above, but it’s still important that we take time to clear this space regularly. 

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves”

– Buddha

Upon finishing my session last night, I joined Tom for dinner feeling purged, re-energised and utterly content.

Do you practice mindfulness? What’s your take on it? 

As ever, thanks for stopping to read 🙂
K xx

The 20 most random and absurd thoughts I’ve had on a bad anxiety day

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Anyone who’s experienced bad anxiety will tell you that some crrrraaazzyy things can work you up at times. We’re talking about the most ridiculous, pointless ideas that somehow pop into your head then refuse to leave without making a scene… Familiar?

I know what you’re thinking – “everyone worries like that sometimes”. Well, maybe so, but the problem comes when those, seemingly meaningless, daily aspects of life are able to trigger a feeling of panic and make you feel physically sick. 

These examples might sound hilarious, and in fact, it is hilarious in retrospect. There’s something really bittersweet about looking back on a painful moment and thinking ‘hahaha you silly cow, Kirsten’; Sweet to have that clarity of mind afterwards, bitter to know it’s also very real at the time. Pretty exhausting too… 

All of the fruitless worries below have, at one time or another, catalysed me to feel symptoms of nausea, panic, fear, palpitations and headaches.

(Saying that, feel free to enjoy them!)

  1. Oh my god it’s getting really cloudy, the sky is a horrible dark colour – I’m feeling okay now but I’m going to feel so down if the sun goes in.
  2. If I don’t learn to make coq au vin soon, my boyfriend will definitely leave me. 
  3. If my parents weren’t genetically conditioned to love me, would they just think I’m a massive arsehole like everyone else?
  4. I have to go into the staff room to get something but there’s a meeting in there and I’m terrified to draw attention to myself; they all think I’m a joke.
  5. I want to see my friends so much but socialising to me, is what climbing Mount Everest would be to a morbidly obese person with vertigo. 
  6. If I carry on like this I will waste my life away and perish alone, unloved and leaving no trace. There will be 6 people at my funeral and it will be shit.
  7. I’m overpaid and I don’t deserve it. I’m rubbish at what I do and feel guilty taking money for it. My boss is so nice to me too – I refuse to feel good about that and will instead question why daily.
  8. Everybody’s laughing at me. 
  9. I love movies but I can’t watch anything because I’m frightened of what emotions they might bring. “Upbeat comedy, let’s see… Anchorman? Haha! Will Farrell’s funny! …I’m not funny. I’ll never be funny. NOPE”
  10. I wonder if my friends secretly feel nothing towards me and only stick around because they’re good people.
  11. What if somebody I love dies tomorrow? 
  12. My parents and brothers will probably die before me and I can’t survive without them. I will never cope. 
  13. No man will ever stay with me because I’m like this. I’m waiting patiently to see when my current perfect relationship will go tits-up.
  14. I’m convinced that I will get burgled or mugged or attacked at some point. What will I do when it happens?
  15. If I wear this dress people will think I’m x, y and z – it’s easier if I just don’t go.
  16. If I go on this night out, I’ll need to drink a lot so that I’m confident enough to enjoy myself without worrying… but I feel so depressed on hangovers. I can’t have fun like a normal person, eurgh.
  17. My gran is probably looking down on me in utter disappointment. I see her face in tears as she realises what I really am.
  18. I have plans to leave the house in a few hours but I’m dreading it; – I don’t think I can go. I’m such a pathetic loner.
  19. Me or someone I love is going to get cancer. 
  20. I can’t reply to this message or even open it because it makes me so anxious. I’ll just leave it for as long as possible until my rudeness pisses the other person off… and then worry about that instead.

So there you have it… a little bit heavy, I know, but nobody worries about being too fabulous, do they? 

Can you relate? Do you have a top-tip for anxiety sufferers? I’d love to see your comments and thoughts on the subject guys!

Once again, thanks for reading.
K xx